This post has nothing to do with books or reading or writing, but rather the unpredictability of life. One moment everything can seem fine, even docile, and then something sudden and volatile can spiral your fragile world out of control. That happened on Tuesday.
I unexpectedly lost my cat Tuesday morning; he was 15 years old. That’s more than half my life I’ve had him by my side through thick and thin, high school, college, heartbreak. He was the type of cat that jumped on the bed when I cried, when I wasn’t saying what I felt, when I just needed cuddles to feel better. I know cats (and people) get old and we all die, but the unexpected suddenness is what really has been throwing me through a loop. On Monday morning he seemed fine, we read The Midnight Star and listen to the rain (an anomaly in Southern California) but by Monday evening I wasn’t sure he’d make it through the night.
Having previously lost my other cat earlier this month I couldn’t leave his side. Come Tuesday morning I knew it wasn’t good, but I still had to hope the vet could help. When I woke up that morning I didn’t anticipate having to put him down, my Berlious (yes, named after The Aristocats– thanks Disney), but I don’t believe in willingly letting anyone suffer. He had advanced stages of cancer and there was nothing I could do. I think everyone wants to think they can do something to make it better, but the reality is it’s not in your power.
Granted you probably don’t want to read a sad post about my cat, but I have a point.
Life is fleeting, and curveballs can come at any moment, if we don’t love to the fullest, seek after our passions, or respect one another, than what is it worth? In one small instant everything can be lost, if you didn’t tell someone how you felt, if you didn’t reconcile with loved ones, if you didn’t do something that terrified and excited you, than those moments are lost.
I’m not going to say I didn’t burrow under the cover and cry for two days, or that I still see something that makes me tear-up and sob, or that I look at my one remaining cat and start crying because he’s old too, but I wouldn’t have loved Berlious or any of them any less.
Nothing in this life is permanent, absolutely nothing, except love. Love is unconditional, even to our enemies, to friends, to strangers on the street who just need a smile to make it through the day. God says to love one another like you love yourself, but it’s deeper than that, love like God loves you, unconditional and with abandon.
I am not okay. I am not fine. But I am at peace with what has happened. I will still cry, I will miss him, but I will not lose my ability to love to the fullest.
So, thanks for reading this long, sad post. In the world today I feel that it is important to remember that no matter your differences, no matter your clout, power, or wealth, life is unpredictable and unmanageable, but you are never alone.